Behind the soul

Someday I feel blessed to have a family but the rest days I curse myself to be a part of it…..
Someday I enjoy their love and care but the rest days I curse myself to be nurtured under them……
Someday I merrily privilege their company but the rest days I curse myself to share a relationship with them…..
Someday I eat and dressup according to me but the rest days I curse myself to get explicitly acquainted with their choices…..
Someday I am allowed to be “I” but the rest days I curse myself to be a non-paid slave who is bound to obey their words……
Someday I breathe an air of purity endowed with love,care,affection and attention but the rest days I curse myself to swallow the gulp of hatredness and prejudice…..
Someday I dream,I am allowed to dream but the rest days I curse myself to let the dream be a dream……
Someday I am treated like a human being but the rest days I curse myself to be a girl….
Someday only some can fathom the depth of my emotions but the rest days I curse myself for my writing to just remain a mere piece of writing…….

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πŸ’ŸπŸ’ŸWhen he meant everything to meπŸ’ŸπŸ’Ÿ

Everything that I dream of is not possible…..I wish I could tell you how my heart skips thinking about you….my smile broadens seeing your call…..and many more yet to be described…..but we are at its impossible….considering many aspects….my love for you appears mere infatuation to you….my going crazy over you….appears just the post impact of having many crushes…..just a bit decrement in the excitation level of my voice makes you feel I am disappointed…..May be you are too good to understand all this issues…or you have a better perspective mind…..or may be my immature childish behaviour makes you to think so…..but this is the ever genuine feeling I am experiencing….you are a sea of calm and peace spreading over me…….. Your sense of humour can make any girl go gaga over you….(ohh now you would be thinking..I am not handsome)….so please put a halt to that….for all that beautiful faces are gradually turning down…..yaa it’s obvious their are so many more girls out there …..but I hope U will find the best one for you because you deserve everything in this world….I am afraid of losing you..but on the same pitch am afraid of getting addicted to you……cause I know you deserve so much better….and seriously I know you do…..perhaps I can’t afford to be the one ever….I can’t even afford to lose what there is in….in the hope of something more…..The hope that is eventually gonna be shattered because of how out of reach you are….still I know all this and savour the feel of you strolling through my mind….You have no idea….. you are so much peaceful….dwelling in you is like serenity and tranquility going hand in hand around you……no not just your voice or your words……the entire you……I am running short for words to describe you…. U always need an answer and I go speechless…cause….I have so much to say… that…I go blank…..and yaa I also go blank because I don’t want to confess my feelings again and again to you …for I have no rights indulging with your decisions…and it’s obvious it’s your life….so your decisions is a matter of great concern…..just because I said what was within me shouldn’t change your neutrality…..for I love you for the way you are….the all time dedicated guy….in your terms nothing can affect you or disturb you…for you are the still sea….not like the high and low tides….Oh by the way I am falling deeper by the millisecond…and this is the ever best fall…….❀️

“Because HE is one of a kind”

Everytime he got happy for his reasons….I was thrice more happy than him because I had two more reasons to cherish…..one was the reason of his happiness,second was his happiness and the third I was being unselfishly happy without a reason….just for him …….

Folks,ethics,values and traditions are just words which describes feeling and love in different aspects……but my concept of love,emotions,feelings and most importantly all these things with chastity and sanctimoniously came into picture when I was knowing him…..

Exploring his dimensions was never an easy task not because it’s too difficult to….. but….. because everyone is not blessed to be a part of him…….and till now I have million more to explore….these great feelings that I have now is just the perimeter of his dimensions…..the area still needs to be traversed…….

Yeah being with him in the coming years is almost unpredictable and uncertain but isn’t it the best feeling for me that the minute I talk to him it gives me immense satiety….to be more precise feeling of bliss and contentment like forever and a day….or the world without end....

WHY?WHY??WHY???WHY????WHY?????WHY??????WHY and infinite why’s he just keeps on asking me……WHY only ME???

The why is itself a why for me because I don’t have an answer to your why….If I had an antiphon to your why…. I wouldn’t have felt the way I feel now being with you…..

Even the worst of beauty build castles in air for a guy having a perfect jaw line…fantasizes for a casanova…hankers for virile,well-proportioned,majestic,noble,personable chap….but all these have some limits…..and you are LimitlessVersatile….. DiversifiedMore to know…. Much to tread….

I want to say you this not just once but always…..YOU ARE AN INFINITUDE….I JUST CRAVE MORE AND MORE OF YOU….THE DARKEST OF SITES HAS THE LIGHT OF YOU….YOU HAVE ENLIGHTENED THE INNER ME….BEYOND THE STARS AND THE MOONS…MOUNTAINS AND THE VALLEYS…HILLS AND THE OCEANS…BUTTERFLIES AND THE POLLEN….AND THE DEADLY COMBINATION OF PERFECT HEART,MIND AND SOUL OF YOURS HAS TRAPPED ME…..

I LOVE YOU NOW AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER TILL THE CONFINEMENT OF MY INSANITY

Your voice soothes me…..Your sight reliefs me…..Your words have a magical spell over me….Thinking of you broadens my smile…..Ebbs away my stress…..Increases my witlessness…..

YOU ARE PASSIONATELY INTERESTING……IMPULSIVELY AFFECTIONATE……..PRICELESSLY TREASURED ONE…..

Death-destination of appeasement part2

The bypass heart surgery which my grandfather had undergone was a cent percent successful one.

Relatives from distance,family members and all near and dear ones were in the vicinity of grandfather as they had come to meet him.

I was still in Sambalpur and enquirying about his health from my dad,siblings and aunty in every possible leisure that I got.

In 2nd of November I took a night bus from Sambalpur at 10 and reached Bhubaneswar by 5 in the dawn.

I hurried up to my home and then went to hospital after having my breakfast at around 9 in the morning.

Grandfather was still in ICU and except doctors and hospital staffs no one were allowed to enter inside the ICU.

There is always a benefit of having a doctor in your home…….yeah my youngest aunty Arma was a doctor by profession and so she managed to convince the doctors to let me go in and meet my grandfather.

When I went inside the ICU I was dumbstruck seeing him.A face that always glorified with smiles…and laughs was now flooded with uncountable tears rolling down his cheeks.He recognised me from a distance and called me close to him.His hands were swollen,a span of stitches in the calf muscle of both the legs,black scar marks that the injections made all over the thighs and arms was less grief-stricking than the pain I saw in his eyes.Pain of separation….pain of lonliness….pain of the strong emotional attachments just because he had a fear of leaving us…….far far away from where he could never come back.

Gathering all the courage I said to him,”why are you crying.You are all okay and the doctors will discharge you within two to three days.After that we will again be the normal we…..fighting….quarelling….enjoying….laughing…discussing about many more things.”

He said,”I don’t feel like I can go back to home again”.

I interrupted him in the middle of the sentence for I couldn’t hold my emotions….I was on the verge of crying and then I said that it’s time for me to go,I will come back again on 12th November to meet you and by that time you will be at home.

On 12th of November when I came to Bhubaneswar again by that time grandfather was not discharged.He was suffering from asthma and so it was not safe for him to go home.

I went to see him in the ICU where he was breathing with the help of a nebulizer.I said him,”see am again here for you and this time you will be discharged surely”.

He was not responding to me…..lost in a complete different world….He said me to call his youngest daughter Arma.

He said to us that,”the life that we are living is the biggest lie….everyday we struggle so hard to live,work for our dreams,encounter a million problems but all this is just in vain because our lives are not ours.It is the most precious gift the almighty has bestowed upon us but we forget to thank him.DEATH is the biggest and bitter truth of all mortals that they never accept.

I can’t guarantee you that I can go back home with you all alive….may be the next moment I will die but the values and virtues you inherited from me shall pass on.This year was a whole sum of happiness….may be I am destined to die this year…..All the happiness was a pre compensation for my death”.

I had my exams from 14th November and so I hurried to Sambalpur on 13th November.Meanwhile I kept on enquirying about his health and every time his health was deteriorating.My father said me that grandfather was brought home for he has very mere chances of survival…….I was praying to the almighty to do some miracle and save him.Exams got over on 17th and I went back to Bhubaneswar.I reached there at around 3 in the dawn.

To my surprise everyone was awake.I was a bit confused to see them……A feeling of coldness wrapped me and my heart began to pound…..I searched in all the rooms but grandfather was not there…Our home was packed with many people…with both familiar and unfamiliar faces.

My father was crying and it took me to the notice that I never wanted to hear.My aunty Arma hugged me and began to cry…….The sound of wailing and crying got louder and louder as the minutes passed by……I was numb…unaware about the way I should behave……..I began to cry…..

The only thing that haunts me the most is I couldn’t see him at the end……when everyone was around him…I was appearing a got damned fucking examination…..

He died on 14th November…..just a day after I left Bhubaneswar……..But at the end it all happens with the almighty’s wish…..we are no one to regret for everything that happens to us….because it brings a million more reason to live our lives and understand it’s worth…….

Death-destination of appeasement part 1

Being the only girl of my parents I am treated more like an angel than like any other member of my family.I am from an extended family. Just like mothers are our heaven,fathers are the key to heaven similarly grandparents are the way to heaven. My grandfather was the best person on earth I have ever came across.He was a man of values and virtues.He possessed a place in the heart of every people he encountered in the journey of life.

He was my grandfather…..

He was my bestfriend….

He was my secret keeper….

He was my answer bank….

He was my counselor…..

Last year in 2017 our family was bombarded one by one with a lot of good news……lightening and glorifying a million dollar smile on everyone’s face which I couldn’t have exchanged even in return for a Kohinoor.

To share a few happiness with you …….first of all my cousin was placed at Amazon as a system analyst and then my aunty got married to an engineer in a well sophisticated family……..

These two happiness was doing multiple reflections and refractions in the walls of our house when suddenly I got selected for btech in Odisha’s most reputed government college.

Happiness was at its Pinnacle……

It was mid of August and my grandparents,my elder brother and I were alone in the house…….other members went to Delhi on a relative’s wedding.

I was busy packing my stuffs……as I had to move to Sambalpur for the new session was about to begin from 17th of August.

I left my place on 16th of august and my brother accompanied me in the journey to sambalpur……I was neither happy nor sad but I was on a totally different world………just down the memory lane…cherishing memories of family haunted me in the entire journey…..My vision got blurred with tears in eyes and when it was too hard to hold it overflowed from the eyes rolling down the cheeks.

After two months when I came back home grandfather was not well……he was very weak …and on querying about his health to my father I came to know that he had two blockage in cardiac vessel.

Holidays got over and I returned back to Sambalpur.Grandfather went through a bypass heart surgery on 1st of November……

I forgot to say you one thing that I and my youngest aunty’s(grandfather’s youngest daughter) birthday is also on 1st of November.

TO BE CONTINUED

The eternal love

We were in a relationship for around a couple of years and hardly met a half dozen times.

My family was full of values and like every other family I was not allowed to hang out with guys .

He kept on insisting me to meet perhaps everyday that we talked,exchanged emotions,paroles of living together over the phone.

One fine day I agreed to his plea and said,”yaa sweety the coming weekend my parents are going to visit a doctor in another city and I will be all alone.”

And I still remember the transition in his voice when he heard me.It was just like I turned him on on a perfect chilly night.

He said,”honey I wish that the weekend comes soon in no time and then freezes till apocalypse.”

I just laughed to his insanity.That night we kept discussing over the phone what are the stuffs that we gonna make out at our meeting.

The next day I went to school asusual like any other day but my happiness knew no bound.I was too joyous.Everything around me seemed perfect.

That day in the morning assembly during the prayer time I closed my eyes and asked God,”please God pass these days as soon as possible”.

Days passed by and finally on Friday momma was busy packing stuffs for there journey.

I left a message to Ayaan(my sweety),”see you tomorrow at 11 in the morning at my place…….lubb ewwhh….eagerly waiting to be in your arms sweety”.

He replied,”eagerly waiting to see the mesmerising beauty of my life”.

When I woke up the next day early in the morning at 8,momma and dad had already left for station.

I took a shower,arranged things on there places and had a glass of pineapple juice.

At sharp 11am the door bell rang and I rushed to open the door.Obviously it was he….Ayaan .

He was looking absolutely perfect.His complexion was light and his eyes were passionate.

We didn’t exchanged a single word but yaa we exchanged a million emotions the way we looked at each other.

He cuddled me tightly and pampered me like a small kid with lots of love and affection.His touch had a tingling sensation within me.He was not the same like every other guy.He was different.He made me feel special.

We were in our drawing room talking about a million stuffs,exchanging glances and experiencing a perfect bliss of love around.

He held my palm and then we intercrossed our digits.I stood upright and meanwhile he did the same.i stood on his feet and held my head high to look at him.He closed my eyes and held me tight around my waist and placed his lips over mine.We kissed for a long time.

It was around 8 in the evening and it was time for him to leave.My heart was demanding him more but my mind was forcing him to go.The perfect conflict goes between the heart and mind and the mind wins it.

When he was leaving he said,”hope to meet you soon Alia” and then kissed my forehead.

Momma and dad came after there appointment with the doctor but even then he didn’t answered my calls and it was around two days since we met and conversed.

Days passed by but he didn’t replied to my texts or answered my phone calls.

It was around ten days since we met.I t was for the first time he behaved so differently.I was crying from inside every minute and every second.

After a fortnight I went to his home and was surprised to see the door locked.I enquired the people living next door about Ayaan and I was fucked up listening to the neighbours .

Ayaan died that Saturday when he returned from my home in a road accident.

My life scattered into pieces.I was shattered.I cried and cried but Ayaan never came back to see me.

Six months passed since Ayaan died but every second he was alive within me.

Love never dies only body perishes.Our souls are still connected by those million emotions that we shared.God is the best planner and he plans the best.

I miss him a lot and obviously love grows stronger within me for him and no one can substitute his place.